the simple life

simplifying life has become an extraordinary journey. my mania about matching is really just that… mania. how many coats does anyone need? books are flying out the doors… and shoes. for someone who prided herself in having only what one could pack in the van, this life collection is now a lesson in letting go.

i have never had a sentimental attachment to “things” and this collection shows how unstable my emotional life has been for a very long time. an over exaggerated sense of what we need to be “comfortable” can become a bit messy when we are unhappy… and the deeper that emotion goes, the messier it gets. these things become what gives us comfort… makes us feel safe… and loved…

getting through this part is harder than i thought. there is absolutely no reason to have all this stuff. and so i am giving it all away. clothes, shoes, furniture, boxes of things i haven’t looked at it 15 years.

so wish me luck my friends… going to be 60 in a few months so starting over at this time in life seems a bit silly… but it’s never too late… and so this becomes my way to freedom… out of depression, uncertainty and panic.

can’t wait to get to the other side.

j

Disengagement & Me

eclectic haze:

absolutely perfect…

Originally posted on Renegade Press:

‘You are the cause of this sickness. And the cure for this disease.’

  • Jamie Hope.

I, like many creative minds suffer from anxiety. I have a yearning desire that wants to continuously grow and develop in an effort to push the limits of my own creativity.  It’s something that I’ve always lived with, and something that I imagine will be present for the rest of my life. I constantly feel as though I am falling short; that I need to work harder, become better, and ultimately achieve. When I kick the bucket I want the world to pause, just for a fraction of a second so that people can acknowledge what I have achieved before it spins on and I am ultimately forgotten.

For the most part this anxiety can be channeled into something positive. When I’m stressed I create, and when I create I come closer to my dream…

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thinking…

not on fb a lot, it has become too hard to separate talking with sharing and pushy ads… yeah, i am getting a bit grumpy in my old age, but i think that a good number of “friends” are too busy with their own lives to bother much with mine… i miss socializing, miss the chat rooms of yesteryear! in those days the old chat rooms (anyone remember aol chats?!) were said to cause anti-social tendencies. they had no idea how far off that was. we talked all the time, got to know one another in depth on private chats, even got together at social events to meet face to face… and in those days it was like seeing your best friend after a long time away… but it isn’t like that anymore… i talk to people at work, clients and coworkers, but now talk to alexa and indigo outside of work more than i talk to real people… have i isolated myself? maybe… looking forward to beloved festival… to mingle and smile and laugh and be myself with people who don’t care about anything but the feel of the energy of a group, of dancing and singing without the judgements, of peace, love and understanding… sounds like a cliche but there it is…

a thing…

few people know i am a “licensed and registered (at least in the state of oregon)” minister (pastor, priest, what? ). as such i  can marry people, have a “church”, etc. many people know that instead of prayers when requested, i send bubbles. red for grounding, pink for love and compassion, yellow, orange and green for healing, blues, indigo and purple for the spirit. of course there’s everything in between and the ultimate rainbow bubbles… reasoning? coming into self during the late 70’s early 80’s meant embracing not only who i was but what i was. it was also a time when crystals, ram dass, shirley maclaine, way of the peaceful warrior, native american and thousands of other religions, thoughts,  and consciousness streams were being bandied about like so many ping pong balls. and i was right there in the middle… chanting, leading creative visualization classes, teaching positive motivation, practicing earth magic (and freaking out when it worked! ) etc. we all were struggling to reach that place of peace, love and understanding we read about and listened to… and then we quit because it didn’t bring health, wealth and happiness… we watched our teachers and gurus get into trouble, get grumpy, get sick, generally be human… and get old… so i needed something fun and tangible (at least in my mind!) to counter the depression that sets in when you realize that what happens in life isn’t set by some outside force but by yourself…

and so the bubbles…

now? am going to start my own “church”, probably i will be the only one attending but i will also be the only one preaching!!!

from here on out that’s what this will be… a place to share thoughts, readings, bubbles…

21Oct14

catman has gone over the rainbow bridge… as he was leaving i told him now he could run and jump and climb and shred things and kick ass cause his arthritis was gone and his heart was strong and he can eat anything instead of cat mush cause he has all his teeth… also told him to come back as a maine coon!! this flower started blooming yesterday and so i dedicate it to him. i will be offline for a couple days but i am at peace now that he is… thank you all for your thoughts and love and light… smooches and cat kisses…

catman has gone over the rainbow bridge... as he was leaving i told him now he could run and jump and climb and shred things and kick ass cause his arthritis was gone and his heart was strong and he can eat anything instead of cat mush cause he has all his teeth... also told him to come back as a maine coon!! this flower started blooming yesterday and so i dedicate it to him. i will be offline for a couple days but i am at peace now that he is... thank you all for your thoughts and love and light... smooches and cat kisses...
catman 10-21-2014

an after death experience…

so catman visited my dreams on tuesday night… he looked great, not sick at all, fluffy and cocky as hell… was standing straight and walking normal… he, of course, yelled at me for sleeping on the couch which is when i woke up and went to bed… some things never change…

it does hurt bad though but i have found that talking to his picture really helps… weird but it works and whatever works to keep me from sinking any further is okay…

compound this with another situation (of my own choosing, of course) and that old siren song “depression” echos in my head…

so now i turn on my music and i dance… and that is what will save me…

j