Eclectic Haze

Category: thoughts

  • a milestone?

    I turned 70 today and it absolutely blows my mind. Not because I’m old, or what some in society consider old, but because I’m looking back at everything I’ve done since my twenties and I can’t really say that I thought it would turn out like this!

    I still work although sometimes I miss doing shows, teaching, you know all that stuff that Scorpios like doing because it puts them front and center on stage. It’s kind of the thing that we do! But I’m comfortable in where I’m at and I thought, a long time ago, that I would be slowing down but it doesn’t seem to be working out that way. Mom worked until she was 80 so I have big shoes to fill.

    looking back at an old post I did in August I have decided to finish what I started back then during this next week off, my first since the year 2000. It’s been a rough year and I have gone back and forth from doing to not doing what needs to be done. So my new year starts November 1st. Getting back to being comfortable in my skin, spending more time with Princess who even now demands attention while I talk into my phone! Every time I talk into my phone whether it’s a call or something like this, she seems to think that she needs to be involved in the conversation! Creating new outfits that a lot of people will probably think are WAy too young for my age but it’s me. I’m going back to working out every morning or evening depending on my schedule. I’m going back to eating what I need to eat to keep me healthy. And I’m not going to feel guilty about treating myself.

    I’m going to listen to the dreams I have almost nightly, of me and Mom running dungeons and me spending my nights looking for her and learn to let that go. Not forgetting just accepting.

    I’ve met, and done hair on, so many fabulous people. Yeah I’m talking about you. Thank you. Thank you for accepting me and all my craziness. Thank you for listening to my stories even though some of them may have been repeated. Thank you for taking care of me when I needed it. When things seem dark every day, you brighten my life. Thank you for lecturing me when I needed it. Barring any sort of apocalypse I’ll be around for a long time.

    love to all of you

    janet

  • cleaning house… mentally and physically

    I have decided that the shelves of things I never look at, the recipe books I never use, the other books I never read, the sales training manuals I developed for salons and sales reps, the clothing I have never worn because it’s not me at all and everthing I haven’t even acknowledged needs. to. go. This week. I have one large room I live in and to have it crowded with stuff is making me claustrophobic. And just a tiny bit frantic.

    Most people get cozy in the fall and winter. I just need some breathing room to acknowledge this past year and to settle in to a new normal. Chaos is overrated.

    j

  • 🤩

    I worked out for almost 2 hous this morning. So very excited to see my knee held up and I will probably be sore tomorrow but it was worth it! I will be 70 in 2 1/2 months. Do not let anyone ever tell you you are too old to start getting physical, too quote Ms Olivia Newton-John.

    ciao

    j

  • …

    i am so much more broken than i thought. a mid morning dream of being with someone, going through an old building searching for treasures and walking through fields of flowers and then a city trying to find food and realizing my backpack is missing and everything is gone and they are going to go find someone else or that is what i think is happening and they keep saying wait here and i will be back and the i am alone, crying and saying i just need a ride home

    and then the cell chirps and i am awake and it’s a client with a message about how much they love their color and cut and thank you and my cat comes over, with her tail flag flying, wanting a few loves before she heads back to sleep and now the hole is not quite so deep and the sun is trying to come out which means a bike ride is happening soon

  • YAY!

    I went to the eye doctor a week or two ago, and I am extremely happy to say that my eyes are very very good. Doc said to keep doing just what I’m doing because my eyes were extremely healthy for my age.

    Oddly enough that makes me very very happy and I’m not sure why. I was a little concerned because 10 years ago I was told that I had cataracts so I thought they would probably tell me I needed to get them done and that scares me, because I use my eyes a lot in my work.

    In a couple of months it will have been a year since mom passed. I am getting better and sleeping through the night. Still sleeping sitting up on the couch, that weirdness of having a panic attack when I lay down is still there. Should probably give up because I’m stressing about it and that doesn’t help. Rearrange the corner of my living area and use the lazyboy as a chair instead of a bed. Add in a cat tree which will make princess very happy. And then I probably won’t have any problems falling asleep in the chair. Silliness.

    I’m starting to get rid of stuff. Mainly because I’m tired of looking at things I haven’t touched in years, they’re still sitting in the bookcases and random corners in my my room gathering dust. All the training programs I designed in binders for a job i haven’t had since 1995. Books that I’ve read so many times that I can quote from them. A collection of cookbooks of all things, and I don’t even have a real kitchen!

    I’ll be 70 the end of October and the goal is to get my life back. To be comfortable in my skin, to not have panic attacks, to not be filled with anxiety, to not feel guilty, to be able to just relax and have a good time with my life.

    Wish me luck, because I am serious about getting serious! LOL

    ciao

    janet

  • I have no idea what to write today. It isn’t like I could come up with something wild and crazy to talk about, because usually I’m working too much to think of anything crazy to do. That said I have to say I am enjoying working out in VR with the supernatural app way more than I thought I would. I have found a set that is 30 minutes long and it’s all guitar greats. It’s a fabulous fabulous song list and I am enjoying myself totally while I’m doing it. Singing, dancing, moving to the music, listening to things that bring back really great memories and I think I need this intense immersion into music of my lifepp, past and present. To say that moving to music is important for my mental health is not an exaggeration at all. To get lost in the rhythms is a form of meditation.

    clients here so ciao 😎

  • starting over

    I am working out with the virtual reality program Supernatural VR, I’m having fun and it’s actually working.

    I started teaching belly dance class again and I’m having fun with that as well.

    my work calendar however, is absolutely insane. Of course I know I have no one to blame but myself since I make my own schedule, so consider this the last of my whining.

    I am getting back to a time when I felt powerful, when I felt in tune with myself and everything around me. The time before exes, before pain and hurting and wondering what I did wrong. A time when I meditated and went inside and watched everything smooth out and relax and at one point I even saw something that left me with great joy, a soft white spinning light. I’d like to see that again but I know that now, if I go looking for it, I will never find it.

    It’s back to the future for me. Work through fear and hurt and go back to who I was only stronger.

    ciao

    j

  • yeah, i know

    promised to say a little something to let you know what where my head was at on a regular basis.

    didn’t work out that way. I have been embroiled in a major mind maze. think I’ve been played. so many things don’t add up, contradicting statements, I’m angry.

    forward to a new year and a few months and the knowledge that there’s nothing I can do about how anybody feels about me. The family is blown apart and I can’t let it hurt me anymore. Someday maybe I’ll find someone that I can trust.

    ciao

    j

  • countdown to the new year

    It is getting crazy as people try to get that last bit of shopping done. Next door, Pacific Sourdough Bakery is gearing up for the last 2 days they will be open this year. They will be closed from the 25th to February 1st. How will we manage? 😂😂😂

    What about me? I am handling it. That is good, yes? Bought Princess a box of fun stuff and this is what she did with it…

  • things and stuff

    i got nothing…except support from an unexpected source, princess slept with me all night, i actually feel like working out for longer than 15 minutes and i slept a good solid 7. some days are surrounded by little things that are important, even though they might not look like it at the time. i think that’s what it means to be living in the present… or as Ram Dass said Be Here Now.

    someday i will tell you about Ramakrishna and Vivekanada and how their books and stories and teachings have followed me around the country.

    Ciao

    j

    yeah i’m kind of full of myself this morning but it feels good