woke up at 2:30am this morning raring to go. big difference from yesterday. lily is now called princess or lovebug, she whips her tail when I call her lily, who am I to question the queen! she has become much more affectionate lately, she is my emotional support cat. very good at it too.
off to get coffee. yep it’s 3:45am but I feel good so going to putter around my room.
have an amazing day. J
Describe a man who has positively impacted your life.
most everything makes me cry today, happy and sad. had a great weekend and accomplished a few things that I haven’t touched in 6 months so not sure what that’s all about.
very happy that the new year will be here soon
j
Getting ready to go do laundry, wondering why Lily is ignoring me. I have been depressed. It’s taken a long time for me to acknowledge that but looking around at what I’ve been doing for the last 6 months, it hasn’t been pretty.
The family has shattered and I still don’t know why. I think it’s time to move past all of that because it is obvious that they won’t be coming back together anytime soon.
The next two and a half weeks will be all about organizing, learning to sleep in my bed, learning to actually move around, exercise, do all the things I used to do. Learning to get strong again.
wish me luck.
j
I’ve been in an angry sad space the last few weeks. They say family doesn’t have to be blood, so I am taking this space to say to all my friends, clients, SN players, and yes, even exes, to say thank you. Thank you for your support… for listening and reading, for allowing me to be angry and sad, and for allowing me to work it out in my own way.
Today I did ALL the laundry instead of washing a few things out by hand every evening! Cooked some for the week and tomorrow morning I am doing SN workout and taking my bike for a spin around a few blocks.
It’s a start. Last night I fell asleep sad on the couch. Then I heard my mom’s voice yell “Janie” and I woke up. Cried a bit then started to tell her about the novel I am writng for NANOWRIMO in November. Every since she passed we have been running dungeons in my dreams and I have been telling her we need to level her up! She doesn’t like the fighting part but she has a shrewd mind with logistics putting things together. She would make a great dungeon core but I want her to have a class as well.
I’ll let you know how it turns out. Maybe I will put parts of it here.
Till then, thanks for reading.
Found this post that never got published, and it looked good enough to post today. Not because it is the way I’m feeling today, but to see the constant changes that life throws at me and how i have handled them. Original draft was January of this year.
day started out amazing and in the space of 5 hours has spiraled into a weird depression of sorts.
nothing too horrible, but it has me in a place I haven’t been to in a long, long time.
relationships can be a raging torrent, a quiet stream, or a waterfall of rainbows and light.
a series of songs has let memories wash through, and i realize that two of those relationships still hurt.
and i am not quite sure how to deal with that. maybe because they were the alpha and omega, the beginning and the end. the first rush and the last waterfall.
There is a depression that creeps in, unexpectedly, when a life changing event happens.
We think we’re strong, we think we’re able, we think we can handle anything, and it’s disconcerting to find out that maybe we can’t.
This feeling of not doing enough, of not helping enough, pulls at our heart strings and muddles our minds. How do we cope with feeling inadequate to the task? Inadequate to the problems? When we know deep inside that we’re much much stronger than that?
And so we freeze, unable to decide which direction to go or what to do about anything. We spend our days sitting. Staring out the window, playing Solitaire. All because we don’t know if we are strong enough to do this.
We walk delicately along the rim of the abyss, acknowledging our inadequacies and just take it one step at a time.
We aren’t bad, we aren’t weak. We are simply overwhelmed. There’s nothing wrong with that
nor is it something that we can ignore. The trick is to take care of ourselves before we can take care of others.
J
It has been a tumultuous week. I’ve been sleeping fitfully every night, even at the hotel, while waiting for information on my mom.
Even there, I slept in the lazy boy in the room. It felt safe and cozy, and even though I was only sleeping a couple of hours at a time, it seemed to be enough.
Now I’m home, and for 2 nights, I have slept on the couch. Last night, I had a dream that all of my exes were there, even the dead ones, talking to me, and I realized I probably didn’t listen to them very well when they were around.
That being said, I had just finished 2 bowls full of black seedless grapes that I had frozen. So it was kind of like eating a lot of little popsicles. Which would account for the weird dreams.
Anyway, I couldn’t get a word in edgewise. Not even to say I was sorry.
And I suddenly realized why I was having this dream. It was because I was lonely.
That were I in the same place as my mother, I wouldn’t really have family or a loved one that would gather, would sit with me while I try to learn how to eat or learn to talk or learn to walk. I don’t have kids. My brother’s gonna have his hands full. Both my brothers, for that matter
And it made me sad.
Then a voice vibrated in my head and said “I can fix that”. Half awake, I said, “How will you fix it?” My cat, who hadn’t slept on me at night since the whole cat b&b thing, crawled up in my lap and laid down facing me, eyes gleaming just a bit by the slight glow thrown off the blue nightlight. By now, I was fully awake, so I said “thank you,” looked at the clock that said 11:30, scritched her chin, and slept for 7 hours. For the first time in a week.
You will see me here more and I will have questions for all of you… links to stuff… existential stuff… thoughts on fashion… hair things ( I do own a salon)… deep shower thoughts… I’m tired of fights on Facebook, pardon me, Meta… the ads and adds… the suggestions… the spying… the aggressiveness and playing for fights… it’s all bs and tired.
you must excuse me, i have had a rough morning. i’m angry and sad and sometimes lonely and overwhelmed and frozen in this chaos and not getting much done. i will check up on you all from time to time but i think i have to retreat and come to grips with things that have happened recently… but i’m still here and i’m still doing hair… too many “i’s” in this post. have to get off my i horse… 😂
As I sit here eating a stunningly sweet dessert cup from pacific sourdough bakery (I was saving it for end of work week celebration tonight), the reptilian/primal brain roaring “WTF ARE YOU DOING? YOU KNOW YOU’RE GOING TO BE SICK IN A FEW MINUTES!”, I think back on the last couple days of indecision and wonder.
You see, I almost changed my haircolor.
Not a big deal for most, but my color represents where I am in my life. My happiness gauge, so to speak, and is never based on what anyone else thinks. The fact that I have been thinking of this change based on a couple of comments from clients, makes me wonder what the difference between a criticism and a belief is… and how quickly I jumped on the criticism wagon, taking to heart what was really a passing thought from someone I was having a conversation with.
The fact that I even considered the change and was ready to do a fb poll on what color i should be next means it’s time to step back from the abyss of self doubt and ultimately destructive behavior. I am stronger than this, and allowing someone to voice an opinion without taking it personally is a place of strength.
So I will remain in the spectrum of black/purple/blue because it pleases me.
And yes, I currently feel a bit sick, but drinking tons of water and a couple of digestive enzyme tablets will help get rid of the sugar.
I am all good here. Have a fabulous weekend.
Eclectic Haze 