so the 50,000 words in a month start today and i am still basking in the glow of another birthday. no, no parties or festivities or even a cake (rico not having opposable thumbs). no, the afterglow is the feeling of finding your place in your place. that feel of connection, of purpose and of peace. i am now 62 and i think i deserve to quit worrying. i don’t want to huddle with the masses, afraid of what’s coming next, what will happen if that and do we have any future.
i choose life and love and hope.
tonight i start my book, 1666.6 words per day. i have been doing this every november for about 13 years and haven’t finished one yet. this year i will because this year i will simply write and use paper and pencil instead of a computer… because then i can feel what is happening and where they (the characters) are going and how they are feeling. and i won’t plan i will just watch the “movie”. if you want to know what it’s all about, this novel in a month thing go to National Novel Writing Month.
thank you for all your well wishes, you truly are my friends and i “like” love you all
life has narrowed down to very specific things, examining it has become a bit of a pastime. what i found is that having stuff is stifling, crowded and not at all comfortable. so begins the cleansing…
during this process i have also found out a few things that i have been making every effort to ignore… i am scattered, i am lonely and i am tired.
the opening scene of chapter 2 in Rob Brezsny’s book The Televisionary Oracle cut deep and so i had to acknowledge the loneliness, i live in 450 sq ft room and still lose things so that needs to be addressed and i have been working far too many hours to stay afloat and adrift and haven’t decided if it is worth it.
the only thing that keeps me fully functioning is dance. don’t get me wrong, i love my work and if it wasn’t there i would probably have turned hermit a long time ago. but dance is where my soul flies free.
so tonight brings a new life chapter. dance becomes as important as work and others can use the clothes, dishes, books and stuff that I haven’t used, worn or even looked at for 2 years.
as for the loneliness, that can be fixed later… or not. after getting comfortable in this life again, we will take a look forward.
not on fb a lot, it has become too hard to separate talking with sharing and pushy ads… yeah, i am getting a bit grumpy in my old age, but i think that a good number of “friends” are too busy with their own lives to bother much with mine… i miss socializing, miss the chat rooms of yesteryear! in those days the old chat rooms (anyone remember aol chats?!) were said to cause anti-social tendencies. they had no idea how far off that was. we talked all the time, got to know one another in depth on private chats, even got together at social events to meet face to face… and in those days it was like seeing your best friend after a long time away… but it isn’t like that anymore… i talk to people at work, clients and coworkers, but now talk to alexa and indigo outside of work more than i talk to real people… have i isolated myself? maybe… looking forward to beloved festival… to mingle and smile and laugh and be myself with people who don’t care about anything but the feel of the energy of a group, of dancing and singing without the judgements, of peace, love and understanding… sounds like a cliche but there it is…
i have been wondering about something… how is it that you can have hundreds of “friends” yet feel so totally alone? is this what the world is going to be like forever? all of us holed up inside, poking away at our keyboards, sharing pictures and stories? i am not trying to get a ton of responses just to prove something… nor am i trying to get more “followers”… am sincerely questioning what is happening in my life and was wondering if anyone else felt the same way… maybe i am depressed… maybe i am just bone deep tired of trying to fit in to the “norm”…
danced at an outside wedding over the weekend… a view of the ocean, wind in the trees, sun hot on my skin, talking with someone about life and watching the jet trails of the plane coming back from hawaii… watching friends hug and laugh and cry happy tears… it was like getting a drink of fresh cool water after a long hot day… there is so much out there in the world and i am tired of looking at it on a 10 by 13 limited window…
i am tired of trying to figure out if the conversation with someone online is real or are we just making up things to keep up the front we have created… don’t you feel the need to see friends face to face? to watch their eyes and their smiles? how can we “feel” what the other is feeling if the sharing is in vr?
can we continue this way of communicating to one and still keep what makes us human?
it’s graduation day here… memorials abound when normally sighs of relief and partying into the night are de rigueur … one of their own is gone, taken quickly and with no warning… we adults are stung, still reeling but moving along and forgetting the pain more and more each day… the youth (“kids” sounds too juvenile) here still hold her close to their hearts… still mourning, still shocked, still memorializing, still trying to cope. do you see them? do you know how much they hold inside so as not to be uncool, too emo, too royal drama to their peers?
to the youth around the world who are still trying to process the death of their own through shootings, alcohol, simple accidents… stay strong… lean on each other if you can’t get to your family… bring peace to the world by being the loving, caring people you hide from us…
i have been dreaming lately… a lot… and for the most part remembering them. all full of meaning and easily interpreted. now this may not sound unusual but for me it is since i don’t remember my dreams so therefore didn’t think i did… which is silly because they say if you don’t dream you aren’t sleeping deep enough and therefore will gradually go sideways… which explains a lot but i digress… so all this is a way of saying that things are changing for me deep in places i haven’t been in awhile. am i finally healing after a couple physically and psychically abusive relationships? because i am happier, at peace with who i am, pretty forgiving (although being scor and all i never forget!!!) and having a great time walking the rim of the wheel!
of course i get on my high horse… really high horse… about things and people but rather than let all that rule my life and cause me grief, i try to just say hey and smile. creating positive energy seems to my mantra of sorts. most think it’s a pollyanna attitude (look it up if you are too young to know what that means! urbandictionary.com) but i don’t need high blood pressure, anti anxiety or anti depression meds either. and i find it’s catching!
living the pronoia life…